New Car

I crashed my car...two weeks maybe three weeks ago.  Turns out it's a total loss.  Today I went down to my Gran's to buy her car.  Ever since I knew I was getting it I have had this really horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm going to crash it again.  Also that I'm gonna possibly go with it this time (horrid thought, but thats something I can't help) and I can't sleep because that's all I can keep thinking about.

I had this dream the other night about being in the car and someone hitting me head on.  I'm not one to normally get mad, but I seemed to be really annoyed and started shouting at this woman for hitting me.  It was really bad, I think then her mother came out and calmed everyone down... and that would be where the dream ended.  But it was scary and I never want to have the happen to me.

I also feel the pressure because it was Grans car and that Grandad would kill me if it so much as got scratched even though it isn't his car.  

All of this added to the stress of life in general at the moment is possible one of the many reason why the 'disturbing thoughts' part of OCD are coming back with a vengeance.  Just wanting to crash the car or push someone in front of the bus that's coming.  I would never do it, but it's disturbing all the same.

First time driving tomorrow to where the car was actually crashed, I know I have to do it at some point as it is on my way into work, but still not something I like doing.  I have never gone back to the top of the ASDA carpark where I crushed my door because I was so scared of doing the same thing again,  I'm also scared I'm never going to brake in time ever again.  OMG!  I must stop typing now as I'm starting to scare the shit out of myself.  Going to watch a film and fall asleep.  Dad may hate me for doing it, but it's better than not sleeping at all.

Till next time

Fee x